Log in

No account? Create an account
31 March 2017 @ 12:28
Every time I think I've made progress... it only takes one wrong breath to bring it all down. I know that. By now, I know that. And so I hold it. I bite my tongue until it bleeds and I hold my breathe until my lungs burst and I close my eyes and pray that my heart will stop beating before I have to open them [again]. At some point, things changed. I just don't want to be here anymore. Here anywhere. Here alive. Breathing. I just want to stop living. "I wanted to do whatever amazing thing I was supposed to and be done with it--go to sleep."
31 March 2017 @ 12:21
When I say that I am crying what I really mean is that I want to cry but I can't.

And I can't see the end anymore.. What I saw so clearly so many times has become hazy--and I'm forced to just trust in my mind, the same mind that has deceived me so many times before. They expect me to follow it blindly, just surviving on the belief that if I keep going, just keep moving forward, that eventually I'll reach it. But will this longing ever end?
내가 가야할 그 곳을 향해서...
가지말라는 길을 가고 하지말라는 일을 하고 원해선 안될 걸 원하고 또 상처 받고 상처 받고... 
Current Music: 끝이 안보여
31 March 2017 @ 11:59
"Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different.
Yet tomorrow is too often a repetition of today."
31 March 2017 @ 11:54
And so every day I write myself into the stories of lives I want to live.
29 January 2017 @ 20:07
I'm so sick of this life...
Current Mood: numbnumb
13 December 2016 @ 18:43
"Scars remind us where we've been--they don't have to dictate where we're going."
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
16 July 2016 @ 21:01

Since I apparently am a fat fucking whore without an ounce of self-restraint, it's one meal a day from now on and nothing but fruit and liquids throughout the rest of the day. 800kc max for the next 5 days. I can't go back like this.

13 July 2016 @ 15:30

11:30 Breakfast: 2 eggs, 2 pc unbuttered toast, nectarine (70+70+60+60+60=320)
Snacks: 2 yogurt (64+64=128)
Dinner: Sandwhich, light bananamilk


To most this will sound like a pathetically naïve excuse for an epiphany, but I've realized over the last few months that loving someone is so much harder than I ever could have imagined. Why is that? I'm not sure I can pinpoint one or two clear reasons. It's a simple thing to write it off with a nice, catchy slogan: "Love Hurts." Simpler yet to argue that it's hard because you're giving your heart and soul and everything to this one other person who may or may not treat it with care, as the very fragile thing that it is. I personally do not like simple things. It is my very nature to complicate and overcomplicate as my OCD and anxiety-riddled brain attempts to work through a single thought. Nothing in my life has ever been simple--and so, I have come to resent simplicity because I am both intimidated by and envious of its substance. Loving someone romantically has not been hard for me because it is simply a painfully strong emotion or because I have entrusted one person with my "everything" (which I have not, fearing desperately that degree of vulnerability). Loving someone, I have come to think, is hard because it changes both individuals. It changes the very foundation of their personalities, it changes the way they react to various stimuli--and not always in a good way. Loving someone changes an individual while rendering that individual blind. When you are in love with someone and-more importantly-when you come to possess them, it can feel like you've completed a puzzle. You feel as if finally, you've found the one thing that you've been missing your entire life. What you may not realize is that your puzzle was already complete and that this piece you discovered is just a sticker that you're placing over something already there. People forget, when they're in love with someone, that they were living well long before this individual was introduced. Why do we forget, when we love someone, what we're capable of? Why do we forget that life without that person is possible? It's a complete delusion, it's something that we talk ourselves into over time as we become more and more accustomed to daily life with this person by our side. We allow them to become our most prized possession--and with possession comes not only greed but also insecurity, fear that we may lose that very thing that we have come to cherish more than anything else. In this way perhaps it's not the love itself that changes us but the fear of losing that loved one, because at some point we stop viewing them as a separate individual and begin to view them as a possession, as something to be lost or something to be taken from us. This fear has the power to turn even the most confident, trusting man into an insecure, possessive bastard; a kind, independent woman into a fearful, submissive little girl. Both parties in the relationship change, and both parties feed off of eachother's changes until the once pure, selfless and symbiotic relationship becomes a power struggle between two pathetic individuals, each rattled by selfishness and insecurity. This is why loving someone is hard. You have to fight and fight and fight even more just to hold on to memories of who you were before you fell in love. You have to struggle to retain your rationality and this is often far easier said than done. This is what I have found while struggling with my own first romantic relationship over the past 10 months. Since the moment we met, the odds were stacked against us. We clashed and fought and broke up and got back together and encountered two more obstacles for every one that we managed to overcome. I used to think perhaps it was fate that allowed us to make it through, that really we were meant to meet and meant to make it through all this and live happily ever after. Otherwise, how could two individuals possibly make it through everything that we have? Think of the most dramatic, obstacle-riddled relationship you've ever encountered or seen in a movie--now multiply it by ten and you might be able to almost imagine my relationship of the last 10 months. I wish I were exaggerating... That's why I first believed it to be fated. Now, as I look back on it, I wonder if perhaps that's not the case at all--that really, we were never meant to meet at all. I wonder if we're two highly explosive materials whose chemical reaction results in an implosion. Perhaps all of those obstacles were attempts by the universe to send us our separate ways and we were both just too damn stubborn to give in. The signs were all there, we just chose not to see them. Even now, we've experienced the most blissful months of our relationship and no matter how I think about it, I can't help but realize that there is no hope for a shared future. Whether the end comes three weeks from now when I leave, or we deny the will of the universe once more and postpone it for a little while longer, our relationship is doomed. It's a heartbreaking thing to come to terms with, and even thinking about it sends me spiraling into a series of futile attempts to problem solve and come up with a different ending. These days I think about it so much that it makes my head hurt, but I always come to the same conclusion and it makes me want to cop-out. It makes me want to stop playing this game of cat-and-mouse that men and women live their lives playing. I acted against my very nature in entering this relationship and it's been simultaneously the most painful and the most rewarding experience of my life. It's also made me so very tired. I've been fighting on behalf of this relationship for almost a year now and I'm so exhausted. The last few months more than ever, I've been fighting for both of us because he's not even here. I've been fighting to keep alive a relationship that survives on nothing more than three or four 15-minute phone conversations a week, and it's so hard. I've tried to imagine alternatives, but there are none that would not cause even more pain than we're enduring right now. So I guess the conclusion that I've arrived at after running in circles for months is that I'll fight until I have to leave and the universe has played its very last card, tipping the scales so that we have no choice but to say our last goodbye. I'll let him fantasize about a fairytale future together, holding his hand and relishing the few rare moments when I get to hear his voice, telling me that he loves me more than he's loved anyone before in his 27 years. That's a heavy assertion. While part of me isn't sure I believe him, I wouldn't dare challenge him on it. So I listen, and I let myself love him while pretending not to see our unavoidable future looming ahead. I tell myself that I'll see this through until the end, that I won't ever regret it and that I'll cherish every experience and every lesson I learned from it. I tell myself this. I force myself to believe this; and yet, I wouldn't do it again. I dove head first into this relationship because for the first time in my life, I really felt in love. It was like dashing across a six-lane highway without looking both ways; of course I got hit, more than once even. Some of my wounds have healed already and some are still in the process, but all of them will never be forgotten. For this, I would not take it back. In order to feel things I'd never felt and might never feel again, I fell in love with him. I did and I will not regret it. But I don't want to do it again. I can't imagine ever doing it again.

Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: BTS-House of Cards
04 July 2016 @ 14:03

2:00 Breakfast/lunch:
참치삼각김밥 (174)
Blueberry yogurt (110)

9:30 Dinner:
Subway Ham Sandwhich (300)

Total: 584